Some of my fave bits from him:
I thought I knew who I was marrying thirteen years ago, but after three kids and hormone changes, I do not know who I am waking up with from one day to the next. It’s like spinning a big mood wheel, you know, *mimes spinning big wheel*. "Come on happy, happy, happy, sad, happy, sad, horny, horny, horny, aw, bitchy, shit! I don’t want bitchy!" Horny’s the tiniest little slit on the wheel. It’s like the Italy trip on Wheel of Fortune. Nobody ever goes to Italy.
They always tell you, take a good, long look at your wife’s mother, cause that’s what she’s gonna look like, that’