Some of my fave bits from him:
I thought I knew who I was marrying thirteen years ago, but after three kids and hormone changes, I do not know who I am waking up with from one day to the next. Its like spinning a big mood wheel, you know, *mimes spinning big wheel*. "Come on happy, happy, happy, sad, happy, sad, horny, horny, horny, aw, bitchy, shit! I dont want bitchy!" Hornys the tiniest little slit on the wheel. Its like the Italy trip on Wheel of Fortune. Nobody ever goes to Italy.
They always tell you, take a good, long look at your wifes mother, cause thats what shes gonna look like, thats what shes gonna act like. And if thats the case, I am fucked!
You know, the reason you get married to somebody's because you have fun with that person. "You're fun, I like you, we're fun, we have fun together, let's get married." You get married, she gets pregnant, and fun starts packing its shit. "Where you going fun?" "Nowhere, just kinda getting some stuff together." Then one day, fun just goes, "Fuck it!" and takes off. "Come back fun!" He's like, "Fuck you, married guy!" "Shit!"
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